You might be an ass if…
On the morning radio show I listen to (The Ticket), they had a segment the other day called "You might be an ass if…" where they pointed out and discussed behavioral traits shared by the asses of the world. I related to every segment and since I just had an encounter with an ass, I’d like to add a few of my own.
So I’m driving through the covered work parking lot today searching for a spot. There are some subtle dangers in this process — its dark and that reduces visibility and people park far away in hopes that they’ll reduce the risk of a ding in their door, so that creates gaps in the available slots.
So as I navigate down the lane, I have to stand my car on its nose to avoid a car that is crossing through a gap in the parking slots. He appeared suddenly since he emerged from one of those gaps. And I might add his rate of speed was inappropriate for a parking lot much less the way he was trying to use it.
I will admit that has been a pet peeve of mine for years. Just last week, I had two separate near-incidents at the Kroger parking lot. These people didn’t even bother to stop and seemed oblivious to what they were doing. This bothered me even more.
So back to the work parking lot. This guy parks two lanes away and as we exchange looks, he says he’s sorry. But I couldn’t help giving him a scolding. He bore the brunt of everyone who has ever wronged me in a parking lot and I’m quite sure he didn’t know what to think. I hope I don’t ever have to work with or for him as that will be awkward.
So alas, I do think its cool and creative to color outside the lines, but not in this case. But for what its worth, since I scolded this guy, the bitterness has subsided and the next person will probably just get a look instead.
Now onto my next scenario. For years I’ve been amazed at bathroom behavior in the workplace. I have more than one funny story to tell about it, but I’m going to just detail what happened yesterday at work.
But first, some context. Our bathrooms have two urinals and two stalls. And yes, sometimes you need to do some "business" even at work. I know most people are too cool to admit that, but I’m not.
My usual procedure is to check the cleanliness of the stall before completely committing to it. And about 50% of the time, I’m moving on! A large percentage of those instances is due to some ass disrespectfully peeing on the seat! So I’ve always wondered who these animals are that I work with. And I’ve been wanting to ensnare them somehow.
So yesterday as I’m doing my business, I see black tennis shoes enter the stall and not doing the customary 180 degree turn indicative of the usual business conducted in the stall. Having not detected a "full house", I’m now on alert. I think its bizarre for men to avoid a perfectly good urinal for a stall — there’s just no reasonable explanation for that (in my humble opinion). So as I trained my wolfen ears toward the subject, I did not detect the clatter of a lid being raised. So I’m led to wonder if one of the animals is peeing next door.
He flushed the commode and I could hear water running in the lavatory area of the bathroom. So I rush my business and hurry to stand up in the stall so that I can peer through the crack in the door to at least see who it is. I do so successfully just before he leaves. So at this point, I have positive identification.
Next, my challenge was to perform an inspection of the neighboring stall without looking too weird. No one was in the bathroom, so I was able to do it easily. Had anyone walked in, my investigation probably would have been scuttled. To my delight (why am I delighted by this?), I confirmed my suspicion — the toilet glistened an unsavory yellow. At least his kidneys are working well.
So now my dilemma, I know who he is and I know where he sits. For the record, he’s not in my group, but sits in our proximity. So how do I handle this? Is this an HR issue — disrespect in the workplace? Or shall I use the not-so-subtle approach of leaving an anonymous note pleading with him to have some manners? Whatever the case, he’s an ass.
And by the way, this is the same guy who almost hit me in the parking lot!
Nah, just kidding.
